[it's not that he's trying to upset tim or push him into something - it's that he's seen the torrent of fervor in him and a light that shines brighter than he ever did, ever will, and frankly more than any other student he's taught over the last five years. washington has a reputation for chewing up its interns, aides, and the generally pure-hearted up with razor sharp teeth and spitting them back out into a colder, more miserable world - but tim has tenacity, a doggedly fierce will that he thinks can weather the storm. it's why he's never sought to stamp out the ideals he's so determined to implement into this world - moreso just shape them into something a little sharper, able to penetrate the cloud of muck that surrounds government work and the corrupt, jaded, old windbags that make up majority of capitol hill.
and it's why listening to tim even now brings him a glimpse of that raw potential once more, reminds him it's still in there and hasn't been destroyed. well thank christ, because hawk isn't sure he'd be able to live with that fuck up. so he leans back slightly, something like pride blooming in his chest and in the small quirk of his lips upward as he listens to tim practically preaching about democracy and the failed state of a two-party political system.]
I'm not looking for an apology. No one is. But that -
[he points towards tim's chest, towards the way his entire body has been energized with this new fire, the whole of what's been missing for the past few weeks.]
- that's who we've been missing in our classes.
[because the faculty loves him, really. which makes the air feel like it's been sucked out of the room when tim poignantly asks if his goodness and perspective and worth is somehow attached to a purity contest and a question of morality. it makes his face fall, jaw flexing and lips pressing together in a firm line as his brows furrow. the sigh that comes out of him is deep-seated and already seemingly exhausted by what he has to say. of course he knows what tim is getting at. and the reality is: yes. there are assholes in this building probably sitting some forty feet from them who would judge tim laughlin for selling his body on the internet to make ends meet. and hawk doesn't think he needs to hear that from him - or that he's really looking for the answer. but there's one thing he can't abide by, so he stands to his full height and lowers his voice with the kind of conviction that's rare even in his classes, instead preferring to play the neutral and encouraging guide or the sardonic cynic, bringing everyone down to reality.]
There is good in people if you know where to look. Far and few between, and believe me when I say - you're one of the few. And the kind of good you're talking about, that I and other members of this faculty see in you?
That's priceless. Don't you forget it.
[his gaze flickers down to the flush on tim's cheekbones, the way it singes up towards his ears and reminds him immediately and inconveniently of the fact that his whole body does the same under certain circumstances. it makes him think about that day outside the coffee shop again, tim shivering and looking utterly crushed. the kid is struggling with more than just his schoolwork, all these invisible expectations from a god that hawk doesn't believe exist, from the judgment and scorn he thinks he'd earn from his peers and his mentors. it's an overstep to give him the atheist playbook right now, but hawk looks up sharply when tim asks for forgiveness. what forgiveness does he need?
and why does he think hawk has lost respect for him?]
Hey, time out. You'll make it to Lonigan's just fine, but back up a minute.
[a step towards tim, and then another - one closer than he should. but he needs to meet his eyes, to make him understand. his voice is firm and insistent, with the kind of patience he's granted tim as he works through the more complex structures and concepts in their office hours before this whole mess started.]
Look at me.
[and he doesn't continue until tim complies, honeyed brown through those thick lenses so expressive and chin quivering ever so slightly from his ardent declarations moments before.]
You haven't lost my respect.
There's nothing you could do there that would ever make that happen. I don't know what God or Lonigan or anyone else thinks, but that's what you're hearing from me. Nothing has changed between us, do you understand?
Things won't be this difficult forever. That's hard to hear without the evidence - but it will change. Especially for someone like you who is constantly pushing himself to fly.
[icarus with the scalded wings.
the sudden flash of gold catches his attention, and hawk walks back to his desk to pull out some granola bars, chocolates, and some organic energy bites - whatever the fuck those are.]
These aren't winning any awards for the most balanced meal, but here. So you won't be late. I know Lonigan's a hardass about that.
no subject
and it's why listening to tim even now brings him a glimpse of that raw potential once more, reminds him it's still in there and hasn't been destroyed. well thank christ, because hawk isn't sure he'd be able to live with that fuck up. so he leans back slightly, something like pride blooming in his chest and in the small quirk of his lips upward as he listens to tim practically preaching about democracy and the failed state of a two-party political system.]
I'm not looking for an apology. No one is. But that -
[he points towards tim's chest, towards the way his entire body has been energized with this new fire, the whole of what's been missing for the past few weeks.]
- that's who we've been missing in our classes.
[because the faculty loves him, really. which makes the air feel like it's been sucked out of the room when tim poignantly asks if his goodness and perspective and worth is somehow attached to a purity contest and a question of morality. it makes his face fall, jaw flexing and lips pressing together in a firm line as his brows furrow. the sigh that comes out of him is deep-seated and already seemingly exhausted by what he has to say. of course he knows what tim is getting at. and the reality is: yes. there are assholes in this building probably sitting some forty feet from them who would judge tim laughlin for selling his body on the internet to make ends meet. and hawk doesn't think he needs to hear that from him - or that he's really looking for the answer. but there's one thing he can't abide by, so he stands to his full height and lowers his voice with the kind of conviction that's rare even in his classes, instead preferring to play the neutral and encouraging guide or the sardonic cynic, bringing everyone down to reality.]
There is good in people if you know where to look. Far and few between, and believe me when I say - you're one of the few. And the kind of good you're talking about, that I and other members of this faculty see in you?
That's priceless. Don't you forget it.
[his gaze flickers down to the flush on tim's cheekbones, the way it singes up towards his ears and reminds him immediately and inconveniently of the fact that his whole body does the same under certain circumstances. it makes him think about that day outside the coffee shop again, tim shivering and looking utterly crushed. the kid is struggling with more than just his schoolwork, all these invisible expectations from a god that hawk doesn't believe exist, from the judgment and scorn he thinks he'd earn from his peers and his mentors. it's an overstep to give him the atheist playbook right now, but hawk looks up sharply when tim asks for forgiveness. what forgiveness does he need?
and why does he think hawk has lost respect for him?]
Hey, time out. You'll make it to Lonigan's just fine, but back up a minute.
[a step towards tim, and then another - one closer than he should. but he needs to meet his eyes, to make him understand. his voice is firm and insistent, with the kind of patience he's granted tim as he works through the more complex structures and concepts in their office hours before this whole mess started.]
Look at me.
[and he doesn't continue until tim complies, honeyed brown through those thick lenses so expressive and chin quivering ever so slightly from his ardent declarations moments before.]
You haven't lost my respect.
There's nothing you could do there that would ever make that happen. I don't know what God or Lonigan or anyone else thinks, but that's what you're hearing from me. Nothing has changed between us, do you understand?
Things won't be this difficult forever. That's hard to hear without the evidence - but it will change. Especially for someone like you who is constantly pushing himself to fly.
[icarus with the scalded wings.
the sudden flash of gold catches his attention, and hawk walks back to his desk to pull out some granola bars, chocolates, and some organic energy bites - whatever the fuck those are.]
These aren't winning any awards for the most balanced meal, but here. So you won't be late. I know Lonigan's a hardass about that.