homosexuals: (pic#16916598)
𝚑𝚊𝚠𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚜 "𝚑𝚊𝚠𝚔" 𝚣. 𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚛 ([personal profile] homosexuals) wrote2024-06-10 01:32 pm

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holyposition: (fill me fill me fill me)

[personal profile] holyposition 2024-09-04 02:17 am (UTC)(link)
theres nothing wrong with milk its not weird to drink milk

but you are horrible so im with other people
if you missed me you would want me back
holyposition: (fuzzy chest pillow hours)

[personal profile] holyposition 2024-09-04 03:14 am (UTC)(link)
that was a stretch

it's been a month. you haven't come after me. im only barely hiding. can't hear you from so far away
holyposition: (good luck taking care of yourself)

[personal profile] holyposition 2024-09-04 03:46 am (UTC)(link)
[ Well, that was a mistake. After about five minutes without a response, he starts to panic, stumbles to the bathroom to splash some water on his face to try to sober up, but it's no help, Tim is in Hell, awaiting with dread and excitement the same familiar, specific knock he used to wait for while he paced his studio apartment in Washington.

And there it is. He presses his forehead to the door and says a prayer before he opens it. ]


We're not having sex.
holyposition: (hawk stop smelling me)

[personal profile] holyposition 2024-09-04 04:14 am (UTC)(link)
[ Well for now, Tim's gonna stare at him. He's visibly drunk, wobbly on his feet and squinting at him, glasses long left on the table at the bedside. He's...magnetically handsome, like he always is, while Tim is unshaven and ruffled and pink in the face from the bottle of wine he's finished. ]

Yeah, he's at Quentin's.

[ It looks like he's made himself at home here, things Hawk would recognize as his from their cohabitation casually littered around. Not messily, he's never messy, but comfortably. ]

Sit with me?

[ He'll be flopping down on the bed regardless. ]
holyposition: (i will have to find something else)

[personal profile] holyposition 2024-09-04 06:01 pm (UTC)(link)
[ He hasn't been this close to Hawk since their fight, a month ago. It feels good having his warm, fond gaze on him again, keeping him safe with his presence and his own hands instead of vague promises. It feels terrible, knowing that it's temporary, that he's wrong and he's weak to let him get this close again. Weak and warm from the alcohol in his system, heightening all those feelings, good and bad.

Tim leans into him, not for a kiss, but into the touch as a dog would for another scratch. ]


Mmmiss you too.

[ Drawn out, not in a state where words are his strong suit. ]

Miss our room.

[ Not answering the question. ]
holyposition: (thinking w a dude on me.)

[personal profile] holyposition 2024-09-08 06:35 pm (UTC)(link)
[ There's so much to push back on, that he might have if he weren't drunk. Hawk shouldn't be calling him honey anymore, he should just be with him if he misses him so damn much instead of putting him through this, a purgatory within a purgatory where he so desperately wants to be through with him while knowing in his heart that he never will be. But if Tim were in the combative mood to really let him have it, he wouldn't have let him in, he wouldn't be seeking the comfort of his head in Hawk's hands or wishing that he'd stay. ]

I'm sorry. [ Closing his eyes in some sort of relief with the press of their foreheads together, breathing through his nose so Hawk doesn't comment on the booze on his breath. As if it isn't exceedingly obvious. ] About Senator Smith. I shouldn't have told you like that.
holyposition: (does my memory remain?)

cw suicide talk

[personal profile] holyposition 2024-09-10 03:13 pm (UTC)(link)
I do. I should have said something sooner. Didn’t wanna ruin it when we were happy, but at least then, I could have...

[ Could have been with him like this as he processed it? Hawk could be the one coping with too much to drink and Tim could be the one diligently at his side anyway, navigating through all his contradictions to offer him the tenderness he needs in a weak moment. Maybe that would have changed things, if he’d had the chance to prove that he can be a safe haven instead of another responsibility. How horribly selfish of him to even think, about someone else’s grief.

Tim matches the embrace, latching his arms around him tight. Hawk might wish he could take those words back, but he finds them endearing. A scrap of evidence that the one he loves isn’t all cynicism and disbelief, deep down somewhere lies a little morsel of faith. He pulls back just enough to look Hawk in the eye – beautiful, bright blue that makes his heart flutter, trying to ignore that – and cup his jaw gently, show him some sweetness before he breaks him a little more. ]


The papers said it was self-inflicted. In his office. [ Quietly, as if any more volume might add to the weight, make it unbearable. ] I don’t know why. A lot of rumors went around, but I don’t like that kind of gossip.
Edited 2024-09-10 15:14 (UTC)
holyposition: (i will have to find something else)

[personal profile] holyposition 2024-09-12 04:57 am (UTC)(link)
[ Lets him have it, as if he hasn't been itching to be wrapped up in his arms again since the moment he left. Tim wouldn't have contacted him tonight in the first place if he wasn't so furious over how much he still needs it and the broken promise of I'm yours, which means this is his, he gets to hold Hawk against his neck and stroke the back of his head and not feel rotten about it. At least until reality sets in.

It doesn't take long. The look on Hawk's face, a rare moment of vulnerability, shatters him so that his own lip wobbles in response, before he tucks it into his mouth, sniffing and shaking his head. ]


Hawk, no. [ Squeezing his hand, stroking his hair back with the other. It's tender, but firm. Assured. ] He made his choice on his own. It had nothing to do with you. He was gonna let you marry his only daughter, he loved you. This isn't your fault.
holyposition: (i don't wanna walk no more)

[personal profile] holyposition 2024-09-17 05:08 pm (UTC)(link)
No...no. Hey, look at me.

[ He knows Hawk won’t want to, that he won’t want him to see the same vulnerability that he can hear in his voice, that he can feel in the tremble of his chin against his shoulder. Tim will allow him the dignity of not pointing it out, but he separates enough to look him in the eye, because Hawk needs to see him, sobered up and sure. The conflicting, confusing feelings, the heartache and the yearning, it’s all gone right now, irrelevant in the face of Hawk’s grief. In this moment, it’s all that matters, and Tim knows what he’s saying is true. ]

I saw you just a few hours before I woke up here, remember? I told you, we were saying goodbye before I left for Fort Dix. This was after he died, after the funeral. You were back home the whole time, it had nothing to do with this place.

[ Tim holds his head with both hands, keeping Hawk focused on him, praying that he can offer some comfort to him, no matter how small. ]

I understand the impulse to blame yourself, I do. [ Not for something this profoundly terrible, but he’s spent a lifetime catastrophizing about sending himself straight to Hell for other things, big and small and ugly and beautiful, the man in front of him perhaps chief among them. If he damns himself over Hawk, that’ll still be his choice to do so, not Hawk’s. ] So you can trust me. I know what I’m talking about. It was not your fault. You understand me?

[ Raising himself on his knees just a little, Tim presses a kiss to his forehead and starts fluffing up pillows, similar fussy nesting habits as when he was taking care of Hawk after the wolf attack. ]

I’m gonna tell Koby to give us some space, okay? [ Stay the night. ] Get comfortable.
holyposition: (i will have to find something else)

[personal profile] holyposition 2024-10-01 01:02 am (UTC)(link)
[ It's a warped, awful version of what they had before. Holding each other in grief instead of joy, in Koby's room instead of his, dotted with tears instead of kisses. Either way, it's out of love, but the kind that fills him with dread, makes him fear what would happen if he weren't there to hold his head above the water. Tim holds him right there against his shoulder, noting the tiny specks of moisture against it that Hawk tries to blink away, running his hand through Hawk's hair until he settles. When he speaks again, it's with a sniff of his own, moved by Hawk's display of emotion into his own. ]

I'm sure.

[ Tim brings Hawk's hand to his mouth to press a tiny kiss onto a fingertip, and then he stands. He'll crawl in beside him soon, after flitting around for a moment to make sure Hawk is as comfortable as possible without leaving his side for more than a moment. A sweater from Tim's dresser, a trip to the bathroom to fill him a glass of water. Doting, worrying, bittersweet fondness in his eyes as he sits at the foot of the bed, untying Hawk's shoes for him and setting them down carefully by the footboard. ]

...I'm sorry, I don't know. That kind of information wasn't made public, and you and I weren't speaking. There must have been at least a letter, nobody ever suspected anyone but Smith himself.

[ Shoes off, good enough. Now he settles in beside him, one arm under his head and the other curled around Hawk's middle. ]
holyposition: (mmm inner turmoil)

[personal profile] holyposition 2024-10-03 05:53 am (UTC)(link)
[ Through toil and trouble, heartbreak and anger, there's still no world where he doesn't care for Hawk through his grief. The love will always be there, for the rest of his life, he's sure, and even if it's strained right now, Tim will always have a shoulder for him to lean on. If only Hawk could find it in him to actually use it, before something as dramatic as the death of someone close smacked some emotion into him.

He sighs, stroking the back of Hawk's head, pressing his nose to the crown and breathing him in. Cigarette smoke, the soft musk of the end of the day. It makes his eyes feel heavy, a Pavlovian response telling him to settle, to curl up and sleep in the safety of Hawk's arms. Tomorrow, he'll tell himself it's the wine he drank before texting him. It'll be a lie. ]


...I miss you too. And I think you know that.

[ Tim doesn't know how he can make it any clearer what he needs from him, and he keeps insisting that he can't give it. Are they not at an impasse, then? Hawk says that he's sorry, but nothing changes. It's not the time to call him out on it. ]

We don't have to talk about that right now. I'll be here all night. Get some sleep, okay?