homosexuals | [SALTBURNT AU INBOX]

[ After yesterday’s gossip post blow up in which he dumped Harry and dug himself into an even deeper hole with Hawk, Timoteo’s been laying low. He wasn’t at dinner, he wasn’t at breakfast. He wasn’t at the gym, or the pool, or the lake, or even at the library. He’s been keeping to his room, packing his bags and feeling sorry for himself, checking his phone every time he hears the chime, only to throw it back down in disappointment.

He almost calls a dozen times. The closer he gets to the bottom of this bottle of chablis the longer his finger hovers over the button, until finally, finally, he tries. ]

Hawk...’m sorry. If you want me to leave I will.

[hawk hasn't been laying low per se, but it's hard not to notice tim's prominent absence. he wouldn't lie and say it doesn't hurt any less - but this is the way it should be for awhile. and maybe this is the way it should be period, tim wrapping up the rest of his summer without a bang and finding himself instead of his way into older men's beds. part of him wonders if he's made as much of an embarrassment of himself as harry did too, mooning after a kid that much younger.

it did mean something.

that's the only thing that keeps running through his mind now and again when he glances out at the lake or stops too long from volleying listless serves across the tennis courts with partners he barely registers the name of.

he takes dinner in his room, excusing himself to rosie as under the weather even if she looks like she doesn't believe him. an early night in ought to do him some good, though he's worried what kind of dreams are going to plague him tonight. he's read the same page of some boring book about being a good coach before he's about to give up, saved by the ring of his phone. the name on caller id is not the one he was expecting.]

...Tim?

[he sounds...upset. drunk, too, but that's not the part that worries him.]

Hey, you don't need to leave. If it's anything this mansion is big enough for the both of us.

[there's an amused snort, trying to lighten the mood. he doesn't want to let the flicker of something hopeful ignite from this. people call when they're drunk all the time, it doesn't have to mean anything.]

[ It meant something. When's the last time he admitted that? It's been years. Since secondary school, sweet Roberto, who he thought would be with him, through thick and thin. He loved him, or at least, he thought he did. He was excited to be with him, to dream about a life together, but when he left, when Teo proved himself to be too stubborn, too militant, too much...it didn't feel like this.

It made him feel empty. As if he were a fool for hoping, for believing that he was worth the attention, that he could have the kind of love that was divorced from how much trouble he was in or how much money he had, or whether he was taking over the family business or not. He was a fool, because he was destined to be abandoned, doomed to be ignored. That heartbreak was written in the stars. There's no other way it could have gone.

Hawk pulling back feels different. Like a full blown panic attack, or being held under ice water while he thrashes, looking for a way out of it. Not destined, but a shock to the system, a slap that restores senses he'd long given up on. He wants to run to him. He wants to hop on a plane and never look back. He wants Hawk. And the implications of that are too horrifying to name. ]

I don't want it to be.

[ That doesn't make any sense. Blame it on the alcohol. Teo runs his hand over his face, wiping at his glassy eyes. ]

I mean, I...I don't want to avoid you. I want to make it up to you. If you'd let me. If I haven't ruined everything.

[maybe it had been stupid to think that a few days ago by now, he'd assumed he'd be in bed with tim and lazing about at nights after dinner, dilly-dallying before breakfast and giggling along with each other in the halls. hawk was smitten, blinded by the way the idea of having something like this in his life again could feel so much so that he'd made a fool of himself in the process.

on any other night, he might think tim is making a fool of himself now too. if he were still angry - and he is - and unforgiving, he might tell tim to drink some water, sober up, and go to bed. but there's something too plaintive in his voice, a desperation that's unlike anything else he's heard up until this point. it's the kind of behaviour hawk thinks he'd rather run from than ever display if this past week has taught him anything.

so he's quiet for a few moments, not responding and listening to the pathetic sniffles that make him want to drop the phone and find tim in person, to envelop him in strong arms and run a hand through his hair assuring him he'll be alright. his voice is soft when he answers, hesitant but still meant to soothe.

if only he didn't feel so goddamn hopeful.]

Tim...I'm still gonna be here. I picked up the phone, didn't I?

[there's a heavy exhale, hawk shaking his head.]

I don't know. I thought it'd be easy if - if we felt the same way. But I never wanted you to do anything you didn't wanna do.

[he worries at his bottom lip for a few moments, waiting before asking something tentative - a soft murmur, like he's afraid he'll spook him anyway.]

What do you want to do?

[ The wait is so agonizing that he nearly hangs up. The longer the silence lasts, the more wild his imagination runs, with all the things he dreads it being filled with. Hawk could spend those precious moments deciding he doesn't want him anymore, or that he wants him now, one last chance to commit before he gives up on him.

What would be even say? Either option terrifies him. Would losing Hawk now be as bad as losing him later, once the novelty's worn off, or he's tired of him getting in trouble, or they realize they haven't thought through what it would mean to have something from separate hemispheres?

Teo is quiet too, except for the sniffling, which he just manages to quell. He doesn’t want to make a fool of himself any further. He wants to be genuine, as much as he's able. ]

I didn't. Except for hurting you.

[ Soft, almost a whisper. There's a tremble of fear in his voice, like he's facing down the barrel of a gun. One wrong move could set it off. ]

I don't know. But I knew when I was with you. In that cabin. I'd never...

[ Felt like that before. So completely wanted, and sure, and safe. He catches himself before he says it. Too vulnerable, too clingy. ]

It felt too good to be true, so I panicked. Which was a mistake, I know that, but it... [ A sigh, and another pause. A clink of a bottle against a glass as he tries to untangle his tongue. ] It doesn't mean I don't want it to be.

Edited (im insane) 2025-06-17 16:54 (UTC)

...Yeah?

[before this, hawk would have told himself not to read between the lines, to accept that tim wasn't ready and he should just move on. but - tim seems earnest about it now, genuine and just frightened by his feelings instead of callous. hawk remembers what that was like...a long time ago, when he'd first fallen for kenny and been on the precipice of something new and terrifying. filling in the blanks doesn't come across as clingy - it's honest. it makes hawk's heart beat a little quicker, to open that chasm of hope blooming in his chest a little wider.]

I told myself I didn't want to rush into anything. But then I realized I haven't felt that way in - well, in almost three years. I got excited, and I let myself fall in hard. I'm not really someone to do things in half measures, sorry to say.

[there's a light chuckle, hawk exhaling softly into the receiver.]

Look...I don't know where this summer is gonna take either of us. But I know that you and I can take it whatever pace we like, if we wanna take anything at all. So why don't we just - start over? Go slow.

If you want.

[if you'll have me.]

Edited 2025-06-23 03:09 (UTC)

...Yeah.

[ With his breath held, as if he’s trying to hold everything else back with it – the overwhelming weight of all these new, warm, yearning feelings brushing against guilt for putting Harry though all that, against the grief that feels so ever present. He’s holding back his relief, so that his own self-doubt doesn’t have hawk second guessing. But he smiles into his phone, to an audience of no one, unable to help himself, just like their night (and long morning) at the lake house when he lit up every time they touched, every time their eyes met. ]

Me neither. You probably couldn’t tell from all that, but once I’ve decided, I’ve decided.

[ When it comes to things that get him in trouble, at least. But it could go for this, too. He wants it to. ]

And I do want that. Afraid there’s no starting over, though. I'm already ruined for everyone else. No takebacks.

[there's a giddiness positively fizzing up in his chest, bubbling out in a bright laugh as he smiles against his receiver too, knowing tim must hear it in his voice. and for once - he doesn't care about being too overwhelming, too delighted and too...in love. he won't say it so soon, but that's what the feeling had been. no takebacks for him, either.]

Well, I can't possibly go back on anything now.

[there's another low hum, hawk's voice dropping into a low murmur. he's still cognizant that tim is drunk, that he might not remember all of this in the morning. but he doesn't want to be too careful and waste the opportunity, either.]

Ruined, huh? Sounds like I've got to step up my game if that was just one night.

Good.

[ It might be for the best that he called more than a few glasses deep. It’s not so much that he’ll have trouble remembering this, but it’s enough that it dulls the anxiety of what might be considered at least a loose commitment, makes him more likely to admit to what he wants. And while he doesn’t yet believe that Hawk loves him – how could he, after so little time? - he does believe that he could. How he can believe it from Hawk and not from Harry, he doesn’t know, and doesn’t care to examine right now, but he knows he wants it from Hawk. He can just imagine him now, that fond smile that’s etched itself into his brain already.

Teo can see it so clearly, but still his heart aches, longing for it. ]

Hard to imagine it could get better than that, bello mio. [ A little slip, or an experiment. It doesn’t sound as unnatural from his mouth as he feared it might. ] But don’t take it so slow that you don’t try.

[SALTBURNT AU INBOX]

@timmyyyyy; voice

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