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Wasn't it? Waking up every night not knowing if we were gonna make it? Finding allies, sticking together to try and root out the ones wreaking havoc on the rest of us?

You weren't there, Tim. And I'm glad for that, every day - but you weren't.

Embry and I don't talk about you.

Not sure you can say the same about Luci, or Harry, or Quentin, or anyone else, though.

And no, I'm not looking for someone to just roll over. But if this is the hill you want - [to die on, he almost says, before thinking better of it.]

If this is where you're drawing a line, then we're never going to agree. I did what I thought I had to do to keep you safe.

Why are you so hung up on Luci? I haven't spent more than five minutes with him since the first Otherworld party months ago.

I thought you knew me. There's no way you thought I would be okay with this.

You fucked him, didn't you?

Tim...

[hawk sighs again, deflating and closing his eyes for a few moments.]

Of course I know you. Of course I knew you wouldn't want me to do this. I did it - for us. To protect you. And I'm the only one who's gonna bear the consequences, okay?

Once, when we weren't together. I was so drunk I barely even remember.

[ Luci is an insane person who wasted everyone's time at the voting meetings and thinks he's the devil. It's not happening again, it's not important. The guilty part of him considers that maybe that's why Hawk is so hung up on this one, because it's not important, he can just grouch about it without the complicated emotions of considering someone who is. ]

What consequences are those, if you're not fessing up to it?

Well there's another reason. He practically took advantage of you!

[is he making a big deal over nothing? maybe. maybe not. it still rankles him that sometimes tim's stringent rules only seem to be enforced when it's hawk who isn't abiding by them. someone like luci that was altogether meaningless - yeah, it irks him.

but he's quiet for a few moments, thinking through what he wants to say carefully. his voice softens, gaze dropping from the camera off somewhere in his lap.]

Disappointing you, for starters.

No, he didn't, I just needed...those first couple weeks were really hard for me, okay? You were getting married and I needed to not think about it, just for an hour. I wanted it, at the time. It was just a stupid mistake, nothing more.

[ Luci wasn't the first meaningless hookup he'd ever had. Just the first one he'd have to see again. It didn't make him feel better, neither did Lestat the night after Hawk left. Maybe it's growth on his part that he hasn't channeled this angry heartache into some random rendezvous at Otherworld, or maybe he's doing something worse, seeking comfort in men who can actually provide it.

After the month they've all had, it's hard to know anything for sure. ]

...I understand that you wanted to protect me. That doesn't make it right, but I do understand why you did it.

[needed it by doing the exact thing he'd lectured hawk for doing, in the past. meaningless, mindless fucks. but he believes tim now that it was a mistake, that the reasons in doing so were different than hawk's, but they were needed all the same.]

So where does that leave us now, Skippy?

I just...I need some space. I have a lot to think about.

[ And pray about, which goes unsaid, but they both know. It's been a hard month, and he's done a lot of things he isn't proud of, plenty of which have nothing to do with Hawk. Bartering with lives, fighting with friends, lying to those who are as good as family - he'd proven better at the game than he thought he'd be. That's something to be ashamed of, as far as he's concerned. ]

About everything, not just you.

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