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Come clean about what, Tim?

You honestly think me making an apology post for something I'm not sorry for is going to win me any favors? Admitting I did what I did to protect you and everyone else, yeah, I'm sure that'll go over well.

I'm not sorry.Would have taken him into the woods and hunted him down if I had the chance sooner.

I know it wasn't right. But things here - they've changed. This was the only way to know he wouldn't come back and finish what he started with you. I'd choose that over and over again.

Edited 2024-10-28 02:52 (UTC)

You should be. You killed someone already locked in a cage. It's sick, Hawk.

Don't say it was for me, I never would have asked you to.

You think he was gonna come back out like a puppy with its tail between its legs, Tim? He'd do this again. I know he would.

Fine - but you better not tell me you're concerned for my eternal soul. I put him down like the dog he was. It's what he deserved, and I thought you knew by now: I don't shy away from getting my hands dirty for the people that need to keep theirs clean.

And what if I am? You're gonna insult me again, tell me it's all fake?

Whether someone deserves to die is not for you to decide.

You can feel however you want about it. But I'm the one who did it, and I'm pretty sure my soul was damned the minute I stopped believing in god anyway - at least, that's what I remember from the classes I bothered to listen to.

Yeah? And so where does that leave Danny, then? You think the Balfours would care enough to leave him locked up in prison when this is all over with? He'd be out here again making those same decisions.

Sorry if I didn't feel like a goddamn repeat.

If it wasn't then, it is now.

[ He didn't think it was, then. Despite not believing, despite the lying and sneaking and dirty Washington games, he knew that there was enough good in Hawk that he would have a chance. Tim's probably seen more of it than anyone. It makes his eyes water and his chest ache to think of it, and he wipes at his eyes furiously, not wanting to cry about it again where there's a chance Aemond could hear him.

Tim pulls the hood on his sweater up, something to wrap around him, comfort him. ]

We'll never know what they'd have done, because of you.

Yeah? So you're done with me, is that it? What happened to forgiveness, isn't that what the whole fucking thing is about?

[it doesn't bring him any pleasure to see tim so caught up in his feelings about this. suffering, crying over hawk's actions alone.]

I'm not sorry, Tim. He took Embry. I wasn't going to let him take you too.

...I didn't know he'd come back. If I had? Maybe I would have thought differently.

You can't ask for forgiveness if you're not even sorry.

And are you sorry, Tim, for the things we do together in that room of ours?

Do you want to be forgiven for all the times you've gotten on your knees and worshipped me like you might the god who's got no business being there in the first place?

Or is it only when you get upset about certain parts of this mess we're in?

[there's a fire in his eyes now, something challenging because he's sick of the way tim is clinging to this like a crutch. why would a god who's supposed to forgive have someone like mccarthy advocating for wiping out half the justice department? and why would that same god even give life to someone like danny johnson in the first place? why would he watch tim suffer on the tightrope between all of the horrors here and punish him for only ever trying to be good?

because he can't fucking be real. just another bogeyman to control people with. another foolish ideal to get someone killed over.]

Tell me the truth, Skippy.

[ Has he heard a more ridiculous comparison in his life? Maybe, but it's not coming to mind right now. It earns Hawk little more than an eye roll, more irritation than anything else. ]

What are you talking about? Murder and being with you aren't even remotely the same thing, but if you think it is, maybe I should stop.

Answer the question. The rules apply to everything, don't they?

You can't pick and choose what God will overlook. And if it comes down to what you can tolerate - then don't bring religion into it.

You're the one that brought religion into it, not me. I can't, because you always do this. I'm not debating with you whether it's okay to kill people if you're mad at them enough.

Oh, for christ's sake, Tim - listen to yourself!

You're the one worried about my soul. I'm not here to debate about murder. You think Danny's the first man I ever killed? I was damned before I walked into this estate if that's the case.

And if you really think I'm going to do anything like it again...

[of course he wouldn't. but if that's what tim thinks:]

Then you're right about one thing. Maybe we shouldn't be together.

You listen to yourself. This isn't a war!

And I didn't say that, but if you need someone to be okay with this, or that won't care enough to challenge you, fine. You can go be with Embry. I'm sure you'll be very happy being condescending and twisting my words around together.

Wasn't it? Waking up every night not knowing if we were gonna make it? Finding allies, sticking together to try and root out the ones wreaking havoc on the rest of us?

You weren't there, Tim. And I'm glad for that, every day - but you weren't.

Embry and I don't talk about you.

Not sure you can say the same about Luci, or Harry, or Quentin, or anyone else, though.

And no, I'm not looking for someone to just roll over. But if this is the hill you want - [to die on, he almost says, before thinking better of it.]

If this is where you're drawing a line, then we're never going to agree. I did what I thought I had to do to keep you safe.

Why are you so hung up on Luci? I haven't spent more than five minutes with him since the first Otherworld party months ago.

I thought you knew me. There's no way you thought I would be okay with this.

You fucked him, didn't you?

Tim...

[hawk sighs again, deflating and closing his eyes for a few moments.]

Of course I know you. Of course I knew you wouldn't want me to do this. I did it - for us. To protect you. And I'm the only one who's gonna bear the consequences, okay?

Once, when we weren't together. I was so drunk I barely even remember.

[ Luci is an insane person who wasted everyone's time at the voting meetings and thinks he's the devil. It's not happening again, it's not important. The guilty part of him considers that maybe that's why Hawk is so hung up on this one, because it's not important, he can just grouch about it without the complicated emotions of considering someone who is. ]

What consequences are those, if you're not fessing up to it?

Well there's another reason. He practically took advantage of you!

[is he making a big deal over nothing? maybe. maybe not. it still rankles him that sometimes tim's stringent rules only seem to be enforced when it's hawk who isn't abiding by them. someone like luci that was altogether meaningless - yeah, it irks him.

but he's quiet for a few moments, thinking through what he wants to say carefully. his voice softens, gaze dropping from the camera off somewhere in his lap.]

Disappointing you, for starters.

No, he didn't, I just needed...those first couple weeks were really hard for me, okay? You were getting married and I needed to not think about it, just for an hour. I wanted it, at the time. It was just a stupid mistake, nothing more.

[ Luci wasn't the first meaningless hookup he'd ever had. Just the first one he'd have to see again. It didn't make him feel better, neither did Lestat the night after Hawk left. Maybe it's growth on his part that he hasn't channeled this angry heartache into some random rendezvous at Otherworld, or maybe he's doing something worse, seeking comfort in men who can actually provide it.

After the month they've all had, it's hard to know anything for sure. ]

...I understand that you wanted to protect me. That doesn't make it right, but I do understand why you did it.

[needed it by doing the exact thing he'd lectured hawk for doing, in the past. meaningless, mindless fucks. but he believes tim now that it was a mistake, that the reasons in doing so were different than hawk's, but they were needed all the same.]

So where does that leave us now, Skippy?

I just...I need some space. I have a lot to think about.

[ And pray about, which goes unsaid, but they both know. It's been a hard month, and he's done a lot of things he isn't proud of, plenty of which have nothing to do with Hawk. Bartering with lives, fighting with friends, lying to those who are as good as family - he'd proven better at the game than he thought he'd be. That's something to be ashamed of, as far as he's concerned. ]

About everything, not just you.

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